whose bones do i stand on?
Deep down, I know that kindness is also worth the triumph in the end. But above ground, I can’t help but look at the world that is less than ideal.
Hi! Thank you so much for clicking on this piece. I’d love to hear your thoughts, whether you comment, restack, or send me a message! If you’re new here, I highly recommend checking out my introductory post, which serves as a guide to my work and why I write how I write. It’s so lovely to have you here, so I hope you stick around!
Background
In today’s edition, I have a little graduation-inspired, adulting-induced spiral on kindness, empathy, and capitalism, my three favorite topics. Very minor spoilers ahead for The Good Place and Parasite.
The entire segment of this newsletter was written some time in late October to early November, but a lot of its sentiments still stand today. This is also a relatively short piece that sort of goes everywhere, but I think this encapsulates a lot of the worry I feel in regard to retaining goodness as you proceed to adulthood. I’ve seen several posts talking about this loss of “purity” and “innocence” as you age, but I’ve always found the usage of these words a bit strange (and weird, because of their connotations). Growing up to me has always been less about the loss of childish qualities and more of the gain of adult perspective and awareness.
Additionally, I am incredibly tired and drained as of writing this. The second year of medicine is the hardest for a reason, and I felt very vulnerable just thinking of putting this piece up, but this is especially one of those articles where I’d appreciate any discourse, comments, or insights. As always, but especially now, let me know your thoughts.
Significance
We have all had our moments of making mistakes, but I’m sure the ones I remember most are the times I accidentally hurt someone. I remember the ones that feel the most unlike me, the words and actions so foreign in your mind you’re not sure how I did or said it.
Even though I have been trying to work on being kinder to myself, I have to admit that the nights of overthinking and replaying situations in my head on repeat make me reflect on the true consequences of my actions and the intentions I have rooted in them. You can do something with the full intention of being kind only to mess up, or start a task with bad intentions only for it to turn out well.
That brings me to my point: In today’s world, it is so much more difficult to be a good person. The Good Place, one of my favorite shows in high school, reflects on this whole concept. More specifically, they give this example in the show: back then, you could dig up flowers from your garden to give to your grandmother and have it considered a good deed. But now, in a world where it is harder to pick up flowers from the ground, you’d likely head to the grocery store or flower shop to get a bouquet, ultimately having to support capitalism (of course) along with toxic pesticides, plastic waste, and unfair wages for the store and supplier.
Sometimes, I think a lot about the butterfly effect of my actions and how they sometimes end up twisted from my initial intent, like when I work on a project with classmates and end up becoming bossy in the name of good work, or when I go out of my way for someone only to find out my actions were unnecessary anyway. My actions are a bit like art: once my work is out there, it is left to the world to interpret.
I used to have qualms about being a good kid. For a very long time, this was all I strived to be. Now that I’m in my twenties, I’ve spent so much time and energy just worrying about being a bad person.
It is only recently I’ve finally come to the realization that the problem is not that I’m bad. It's just that I'm not a kid anymore, and it is so, so much harder to make good choices as an adult. Some days, it feels like a wild goose chase to try and be a “good adult”, especially as someone studying medicine and healthcare, where I know I will be forced to make life-endangering decisions every day. Is being good even possible? Is that an attainable label to have? If I just end up contributing as a cog in The Machine Of Capitalism, will I ever be good?
And even then, I am sometimes forced to ask myself if this is all worth attempting to try to be good. In fact, I’ve had this conversation with myself multiple times. Deep down, I know that kindness is also worth the triumph in the end. But above ground, I can’t help but look at the world that is less than ideal. Maybe when I finally reach a state of financial and emotional security, I can get back to this with a more positive answer.
But for now, I understand why it would probably be easier to be kind if you’re rich, or at the very least, ignorant of the world.
Literature Review
In a relatively late book haul, I attended the Manila International Book Fair 2024 (back in October) and it was the first time I had ever been able to go to one of these book events. Here are the four books I’ve purchased and unfortunately, have not (yet) read.
Some Days You Can’t Save Them All by Dr. Ronnie Baticulon
I’ve wanted to pick up this book since my pre-med days but had never gotten the chance to until I saw the physical copy at MIBF 2024 itself. I also had the honor of having my book signed because Dr. Baticulon just so happened to be having a book signing when I purchased the book.
For those outside of the Philippine healthcare communities, this particular collection of essays is well-discussed, especially among modern medical students. I’ve actually been told several times during my pre-med days that it is a must-read for anyone in healthcare. Dr. Baticulon, the author of the book, is a pediatric neurosurgeon who studied at UP College of Medicine and took up INTARMED, an accelerated seven-year medical course.
As an aspiring pediatrician who also wants to write a book someday, I really look forward to reading this book and working towards a similar future in my life, despite how bleak I’ve made it all seem in the previous part of this newsletter.
Surgeons Do Not Cry by Tiong Tiongco
I admittedly picked up in tandem with the first book, although I’ve heard this discussed in the same spaces. The title of the book intrigued me, as it is often a rhetoric I’ve overall heard in the medical field. I am only a second-year medical student but I am already sick of anybody who says “ganyan talaga” or “masanay ka na” towards all our future healthcare workers. All practitioners are workers of empathy; it wouldn’t hurt for our patients and support systems to have empathy for us, too.
There is so much pretentiousness and social class involved in the field of medicine, which is associated with its difficulty, which leads people to believe that these unkind statements are valid to say. I can only pray that in my intern and resident years, I’ll at least be treated like a person (aka I hope I get to eat, drink water, pee, and take naps on my 36-hour shifts).
Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino
This is one of those books I’ve been meaning to read for years. It was initially recommended to me by a high school friend who currently has cancer. I have been meaning to read this recently, but I’ve struggled with the e-copy for months by now. Thus, I finally bought a real copy, and I hope to annotate it as I go so I can talk about it with my friend and maybe give it to her when we see each other soon.
The Collected Stories of Jessica Zafra
Jessica Zafra was a legendary name to me since high school. I still remember my high school creative writing teacher telling us about the sass and wit of her writing, which was probably a fresh writing style in the sea of overly polite, sugarcoated writing that appealed to the Filipino masses (as this is also how people often interact). Even though I was initially biased to her because we also went to the same high school (!!), I was also drawn in by the cat on the cover and the cute art style. Occasionally, it may be nice to judge a book by its cover.
Bibliography
To everyone I just didn’t respond to after having an earnest and honest conversation on doing better on various aspects of life, I’m sorry. I’m just very drained. I may get back to you soon, but please have a little grace and trust in me.
To Lyza, it would be incredible to dissect and talk about all this with you. I know we haven’t talked much since tenth grade, but it would be more than lovely to reconnect.
And to Harry, thank you for your infinite patience, and for fulfilling that Bible verse they keep telling me to compare you to, whatever that is. You know what I mean.
i empathize with your feelings, liv! something that helps me put things into perspective: for many of the examples you describe (buying flowers, the tumblr post content, etc.) an institution has already decided for you what products/services/whatever are available, so our freedom of choice isn’t as free as it might feel. all that we can do is our best. so do your best, but know that individual impact only goes so far - ethical responsibility isnt meant for just one person’s shoulders!